Welcome, Guest

Author Topic: Disorder In The Court...  (Read 2697 times)

Online kathyp

  • Universal Bee
  • *******
  • Posts: 15491
  • Gender: Female
Disorder In The Court...
« on: May 26, 2007, 11:21:11 PM »
Disorder In The Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________ ____ 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is it true that if a persson dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt in' me?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wonde ring why I was d oing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Offline Mici

  • Super Bee
  • *****
  • Posts: 1502
  • Gender: Male
  • tougher than rock
    • http://www.carantha.net/carantha_table_of_contents.htm
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2007, 06:54:11 AM »
ok...this ones are really hard to believe they actually happened. but...they are funny as hell!

Online buzzbee

  • Ken
  • Administrator
  • Galactic Bee
  • *******
  • Posts: 5634
  • Gender: Male
    • N Central Pa Beekeepers Facebook Page
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2007, 08:21:10 AM »
Mici,
sad but true,these are some of the distractions lawyers perform before the juries.
bUT HUMOROUS TO OTHERS!

Offline buzzbeejr

  • Josh
  • Field Bee
  • ***
  • Posts: 784
  • Gender: Male
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2007, 09:06:41 AM »
hehe funny kathy :-D
MMMMMMMMM!!!!!! Doughnuts.- Homer Simpson

Offline amandrea

  • House Bee
  • **
  • Posts: 66
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2007, 09:26:18 AM »
The lesson to be learned is stay out of the courts! In NJ a self described insane pedophile is said by his peers to have been an excellent judge!

Offline Understudy

  • Galactic Bee
  • ******
  • Posts: 4641
  • Gender: Male
    • http://www.understudy.net
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2007, 11:15:56 AM »
Kathyp:

Konasdad is never going to send you a summons for one of his depositions.

Sincerely,
Brendhan
The status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just need to rule it. Dr. Horrible

Online kathyp

  • Universal Bee
  • *******
  • Posts: 15491
  • Gender: Female
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2007, 12:26:22 PM »
Quote
Konasdad is never going to send you a summons for one of his depositions

probably  not, but i bet we'd have a good go at it.... :evil:   :-D
.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Offline Brian D. Bray

  • Galactic Bee
  • ******
  • Posts: 7369
  • Gender: Male
  • I really look like this, just ask Cindi.
    • http://spaces.msn.com/thecoonsden
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2007, 01:44:36 AM »
Having been a cop who had to appear in court frquently I couldn't stop laughing.  I've heard similar quips in court myself. 
Life is a school.  What have you learned?   :brian:      The greatest danger to our society is apathy, vote in every election!

Offline DayValleyDahlias

  • Super Bee
  • *****
  • Posts: 1629
  • Gender: Female
    • DayValleyDahlia's Blog
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2007, 05:15:38 PM »
My niece just passed the Bar exam...guess who I sent this to???  EVEVERYONE IN THE FAMILY!

Offline AllanJ

  • House Bee
  • **
  • Posts: 231
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2007, 08:11:47 PM »
Never past a bar in my life.. I wonder what the exam entails..

Offline Understudy

  • Galactic Bee
  • ******
  • Posts: 4641
  • Gender: Male
    • http://www.understudy.net
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2007, 09:31:31 PM »
Never past a bar in my life.. I wonder what the exam entails..
Me neither but I have craweled out of a few. from what I understand the exam involves Tequillia. I don't remember much after that.

Sincerely,
Brendhan
The status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just need to rule it. Dr. Horrible

Offline annette

  • Galactic Bee
  • ******
  • Posts: 5328
  • Gender: Female
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2007, 11:18:40 PM »
OK guys, I read this to my husband just now, who could not stop laughing. Guess what he is?? A lawyer.

Offline wrk4beer

  • New Bee
  • *
  • Posts: 32
  • Gender: Male
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2007, 10:07:32 PM »
Thats Ok we wont hold it against you :lol:
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
Mark Twain

Offline DayValleyDahlias

  • Super Bee
  • *****
  • Posts: 1629
  • Gender: Female
    • DayValleyDahlia's Blog
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2007, 11:04:34 PM »
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Offline annette

  • Galactic Bee
  • ******
  • Posts: 5328
  • Gender: Female
Re: Disorder In The Court...
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2007, 07:20:48 PM »
Thanks guys, You are the greatest!!!!

Annette

 

anything