It has been 5 weeks since my Mother passed away. For those who don't know, my Mother and I have always lived in this home together since I was 5, her health was poor for most of my life and my wonderful wife Tracey has always selfishly accepted that our life would be one where Mom needed our help and from Mom great love and friendship to us in return.
My entire life, I never went more than 7 days without seeing my Mom and for 18 years at my current job, I would come home everyday (a 16 mile round trip) to make us lunch and spend that time together. Our relationship was never strained and we were always close. Losing her has been a physically and mentally painful process, but today a small miracle happened that has finally brought me some peace.
The day my Mom died, I was at work, my wife and a hospice nurse were tending to her, Mom fell asleep and never woke. I will never forget receiving the call from my wife telling me that Mom had passed on. Over the many years my Mom had many operations, heart bypasses, a lung and breast removal and several others. None more crippling than losing her right lung which put her on 3.5 liters of oxygen per minute for nearly 4 years - she was always tethered to a 25 foot long hose to a oxygen concentrating machine.
Several times I had seen her start a GOODBYE LETTER to me, but each time she would recover and I knew she ripped up those notes, but something had always told me she written one that meant for me to find and bring some peace and closure to my troubled heart.
I had searched seemingly everywhere, old pocketbooks and any place I think she would hide a letter for me to find after she was gone, but time and time again I found nothing of importance. My heart has been heavy and I felt in my spirit that I'm missing it, where could a goodbye letter be, if indeed she hadn't torn up every copy ever written?
After she passed, I found a large blue folder to keep all estate related papers in, death certificates, any banks statements and probate papers, etc.. Mom never had much except a few dollars she had marked for funeral expenses and our home. I kept this blue folder which grew to nearly an inch thick with all the redundant collection of documents that follow a persons passing.
I have kept This blue folder above my computer on the self above me since I started collecting these necessary documents and although my shelf is tidy, it is also packed with books and other folders and as the blue folder grew in size it became a little harder and harder to push into its slot.
Today after pulling it out to get something from it, I tried putting it back and it just wouldn't fit in and stay in place - it all but fell into my hands after I set it in place. Frustrated, I reached into the slot where the blue folder was kept, and keep in mind I could have placed this folder anywhere along this 5 foot shelf or even in my file cabinet - but when I reached in to see what was causing the blue folder from staying in place, I found a small hard binder notepad, I opened it up and there was my Mom's goodbye letter in my hands!
5 weeks of searching and of all the hundreds of places that my Mom could have put this final note to me was the one place I never would have thought to look, she never came near this desk or the computer. The sheer fact that her blue folder nearly jumped out at me and my impatience to find what was stopping it from shelving brought me to the treasure I had seek-ed since she moved on to be with my Brother, Father and God.
Don't ever tell me miracles don't happen, they do. This letter will be with my as long as I live, it simple says - minus some private stuff:
It's been 25 years and I'm glad I'm going home. No more pain, that's nice. Only sorry I put you through all I have. I know I'm bitchy, but I can't help it. I'll see you when you come home, have a nice life! I love you so much, you and Tracey are all I have. Love Mom."
This may not be the epic novel I would write, but it sure is my Mom, I can hear her voice when I read this. I want my Mom to know that she was NEVER a bother and surely is not to be sorry for anything that I ever did for her. I also believe and pray each night we see each other again in time. I will never not miss her, but my healing can now Begin, thanks to a small miracle - I got my goodbye letter and it means the world to me, better than I could ever write - no man is talented enough to express the fulfillment this simple note has brought to me in my very tough time of mourning.
It is a beautiful day, I have cried with a thousand emotions flooding my body and mind. Nope, don't ever say that miracles never happen, I now have and hold one and it is a gift from God.