As I quietly type away on my keyboard I take a few peeks out the window to see if the surveillance crew is still thereâ€¦ Yup.. I can see them parked right outside my house trying to pass themselves off as power company workers. I hope that I can get this information out to you, the reader, before I am discovered and eliminated.
Who is out there you say? Turkey Huntersâ€¦ The most secret society of hunters in the world. They are the secret service of the outdoor arena and I aim to expose their deepest secrets in this article. While I fully understand that this may constitute abuse of the free press, I feel it is my only venue to successfully shed light on this most secret of societies.
I stumbled on this story last year during what I thought was a completely innocent conversation on deer hunting between myself and a local hunter. We were discussing such things as when the rut would peak, how a big buck reacted to does and other highly scientific topics like if you spill â€œdoe in heatâ€ urine on yourself, are you in dangerâ€¦
Anyway, as this discussion was nearing its end, I innocently asked if this fellow turkey hunted. As soon as the words left my mouth, I saw his eyes darken and for a brief second his expression was that of a mother bear protecting her cubs. I must have flinched a bit and just like that, the look was gone. It left him so quick I was not even sure it had happened. In a small, quiet voice, he answered my question. â€œI turkey hunt a littleâ€ he said. I have to admit I was frightened and at that point and all I wanted to do was get out of that conversation with my hide intact. After a quick conversational maneuver, which my wife taught me after perfecting it, we were suddenly deep in a conversation about flower beds and â€œhoney doâ€ lists. With a quick goodbye, I was off and running and a little wiser I might add. I would have to be more careful in the futureâ€¦
As I looked deeper into this Turkey Hunting phenomena, I knew that I wanted to learn more. I decided to go undercover as a turkey hunter and infiltrate this close clan of hunters. That was after my wife and mother managed to talk me out of using my 17 year old son as bait by threatening to deny me love, food, conversation and their company. That postponed my investigation 15 days as I thought it over but I finally saw things their way after 2 weeks of my own cooking. With my main bait gone (I think they managed to hide him in Canada somewhere in case I learned to cook) I knew I would have to do this myself.
The following week I approached another fellow who I had learned might be a turkey hunter. For years I had thought that turkey hunters were just a mysterious race of people whose main purpose was to keep our deer hunting club dues down to only a small fortune but I was to learn otherwise today. I had heard through the grapevine that this guy, Iâ€™ll call him Bill, was a locally turkey hunter with moderate skills. I did not feel that I could handle a highly skilled turkey hunter at that time so I started small. As we slowly progressed into a conversation, I kept mainly to the safe subjects like politics, the death penalty and abortion. I slowly, with the skill only a dedicated investigator like myself could possess, began moving the conversation toward turkey hunting. If I saw him react in any negative way, I backed off to a safe subject like religion or taxes and then advanced a little more slowly. When I finally felt safe I told him that I was a beginner turkey hunter and could he give me a few tips. What transpired next has never before happened in the history of this mysterious sport. Bill told me all of the secrets and did not leave a single one out. He spilled his guts like a catfish at a fish fry. All it took was a little slick talking on my part and him agreeing to wait until next Tuesday to cash the check I gave him. Anywayâ€¦ The secrets are out and I have listed them in their entirety belowâ€¦.
â€¢ The eyes of a turkey cannot see the color orange so the best clothing to wear is a bright orange jumpsuit with a bright orange hat. Lucky for me I have an outfit like that. My duck hunting buddies bought it for me during our last duck hunting trip.
â€¢ Turkeys are attracted to loud noises like air horns and rap music. I could understand the rap music because they do tend to dance around a bit but I must say the air horn thing was news to me. Thatâ€™s why I went undercoverâ€¦ to learn secrets like that!
â€¢ Turkeys like movement. Waving of the arms when a turkey comes into sight will make him think of waving (orange?) grain and will draw him closer.
â€¢ Turkeys are more active during the middle of the day and sleep all morning and evening. Lunch time is the best time to go.
â€¢ Coyote and bobcat decoys will attract gobblers to the open fields. If you have recorded sounds of coyotes eating, that helps too.
â€¢ Always take an experience turkey hunter (like Bill) and give him full permission to be on your land. That way, he can go during the morning and check on sleeping turkeys for you.
â€¢ If you do manage to find a turkey, always take the gobbler with the shortest beard. The smaller the better. The turkeys with the long beards taste like cold spam.
As you have probably guessed by now, my superior investigation and undercover skills have once again prevailed and the story is out. I cannot wait until this turkey season to go and show off my newly found talent. Also, Bill, who asked me to keep him anonymous and not call him Jerry in this article, told me that there was some kind of â€œTurkey Hunting Initiationâ€ which I had to undergo before I could become a â€œMasterâ€ turkey hunter but he didnâ€™t give me any details yet.
Anywayâ€¦ now that I have released this secret to the world, I will probably have to change my name and move out of the country (Maybe Jesse will make room for me in Canada since I speak the languageâ€¦ I am multi-lingual, you know. I also speak Australian and British.). As for the surveillance crew outside, they have called in some reinforcements. All I had to do was shoot up their van a little and all of a sudden, their pals show up disguised as sheriff deputies. Those handcuffs look pretty real thoughâ€¦.
Until next tiâ€¦â€¦â€¦