WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S.
PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime
has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war,
our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all
American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30
days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia,
and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of
the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to
those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The
money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the
costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third
world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect
this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and
we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from
the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We
are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the
many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two
unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be
stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty
pertains to this.
You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets.
Pay those tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned
over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List
2 Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want
to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple
extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am
going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty
- starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be
drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's
oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who
opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country
and move there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by
saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life
around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about
everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America.
It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to
eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a
final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the
nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If
you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.