Ahhhhâ€¦. Spring is here again. The birds are returning again to our feeders, the leaves are budding on my oak trees and the piercing sound of my wifeâ€™s voice to finally put away my hunting stuff fills the air. Ahhhhâ€¦ crap! Where am I supposed to put all of this stuff? Doesnâ€™t she understand that by the time I get all of my hunting clothes, gear and accessories put up, it will be time to get them out again?
I reflect back to the arguments I had with my mother about making my bed. Why make a bed when you are just going to mess it up again? Although I do remember losing those arguments I still think I had a valid point. Who made the rule that grunt calls do not belong in the kitchen windowsill and hunting boots were out of place in the hall next to the back door? Surely this rule was invented by a left wing feminist who had never experienced the pure pleasure of seeing a pair of camouflage pants hanging over a chair and the wonderful memory of that past deer season that it sparked.
Once again, I am forced to lead this yearly migration of hunting materials to a suitable storage facility. I, the pied piper of camo, must ensure that every glove, every thick sock and all materials with a camo pattern follow me to the storage shed where they will be unceremoniously forced into a box or bag to wait the coming fall.
Who can tell if this stuff might be needed before next fall? What if terrorists invade Forest Home and I am forced to defend its citizens? I wouldnâ€™t last 10 minutes out there stalking the enemy dressed in kaki pants and a golf shirt. How could I rescue my neighbors from the clutch of death without my face net? How could I send signals to my fellow freedom fighters without my trusty grunt call? This could happenâ€¦ I know.. I have seen â€œRed Dawnâ€ about 50 times (I call it a training film) and I would like to be prepared.
What if the economy collapsed and all of the stores closed? I would have to become the sole provider for my family and would be forced to hunt everyday for food (yea!). How would I accomplish this great task if I had to spend precious time first finding and then unpacking all of my stuff? It would not be pretty, I can tell you thatâ€¦
â€œWe could fish for our food.â€ My wife says when I make that argument (every year). I guess sheâ€™s forgotten all about the fall of â€™92. She forced me to lead a migration of fishing equipment and I havenâ€™t seen so much as a pole since 1992. Sometimes, things can be put away a little too goodâ€¦..
Wellâ€¦ Just as men have done since they were living in caves, I lost this argument and was forced to begin the migration. I sometimes imagine a caveman being told to put his clubs away for the year since Raptor season was over and wondered if his arguments got any closer to winning than mine did. Probably notâ€¦ That whole stereotyped image of a caveman dragging his woman around by the hair was probably just him thinking she was a Raptor decoy and he was dragging her to the hall closet.
As you men read this, do not despair. I bring hope to a hopeless situation. There are still a few things you can do to either put off this dastardly task or even postpone it indefinitely. Here are a few things to try but remember to not let your wife read this article or we will all be in trouble.
1. If you do not turkey hunt, either start or pretend to start. That gives you until late spring before absolutely having to put up all of your stuff. Visit a Hardees on an early Saturday morning and you will find a lot of â€œTurkey Huntersâ€ who are really just trying to postpone the migration.
2. Use the â€œonce you get all of these hunting clothes washed, I will put them awayâ€ routine. This is a long running favorite of mine because there are two things that make it foolproof. One is that I have enough camo clothes to keep my wife washing for 8 months. The other is if she gets close, I just stick the clean clothes back into the pile. WARNING â€“ Never get caught doing that part. Always plan that operation for 3 AM.
3. Another of my favorites is the slow motion method. I begin putting my things away but I do it so slowly that before I am finished, it is dove season. This one can be hard to get away with and you may have to fake an illness, surgery or death to buy you some time.
4. Wear some of the hunting clothes to regular activities and tell her that you wear this stuff all of the time. I know that insulated camo coveralls may be a bit uncomfortable in church but the pastor will know exactly what you are doing and should play along. You may even start a trend.
5. As a last resort, you can try the â€œCram it all in the hall closetâ€ attempt but that usually has a high failure rate. I tried that one year with disastrous results. The closet was opened by a nosey relative during a family get together and it took a search party and 2 Saint Bernards to find them.
Again, be careful using these methods but if followed correctly, they may work for you.
I have also been asked why we need so much stuff as I am sure you have been as well. I fully understand that we used to dress in blue jeans and flannel shirts and the only accessory was a gun. That was then and this is now! We have become so dependant on our hunting stuff that it has become nearly an epidemic. If your wife doesnâ€™t believe that, have her go hang around Wal-Mart or your local hunting shop when the new hunting stuff comes in next fall. She may be trampled or even drug off by her hairâ€¦â€¦