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Author Topic: Religion  (Read 952 times)
iddee
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Location: Randleman, NC


« on: August 08, 2013, 06:37:55 PM »


 
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked. 
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." 
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 49 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
                       
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.  Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

 
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. 
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered..
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.  Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 
The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. 
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean    ...."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church    .."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
 

Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*
stewroten
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Location: Elkin, NC


« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2013, 08:53:23 PM »

A traveling evangelist is preaching for the local pastor.  After Sunday service they enjoy a meal together.  The pastor notices the evangelist placing habanero peppers on the table and asks what they are.  "Oh, just a little something to spice up the meal.  Most people serve bland food."  The pastor asks if he might try one.  "Certainly, my brother, but only a small sliver.  They are very hot."  The pastor eats four before he notices the heat.  After a time of agonizing in prayer that he might live, the pastor says to the evangelist "Brother evangelist, I know that you believe in a literal burning hell.  I know that you preach about hell.  But, you're the only evangelist I've ever met who carried around samples."
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tefer2
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Location: Kalamazoo,MI


« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2013, 08:30:02 AM »

 applause
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Michael Bush
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Location: Nehawka, NE


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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2013, 12:56:07 PM »

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

--Emo Philips
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Michael Bush
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--Rick Nielsen
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