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Author Topic: A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO WAL-MART  (Read 1715 times)
New Bee
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Posts: 20

Location: Spencertown, NY & Eastern Shore, VA

« on: December 24, 2012, 06:58:30 AM »


Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Knox the Wonder Dog,and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in theworld to think of crazy things to say.  grin

Queen Bee
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FEED ME HONEY or I`ll smash your screen !

« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2012, 08:48:50 AM »

 lau Brian lau
Joe D
Super Bee
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Posts: 2011

Location: Ovett, Ms

« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2012, 09:24:34 AM »

Good one, may have to try it at our walmart.

Universal Bee
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Gender: Female
Posts: 15342

Location: boring, oregon

« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2012, 09:29:15 AM »

that one asks to be stolen!!   grin

.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville
Queen Bee
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Location: South Central Alabama - Zone 8A

« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2012, 10:56:01 AM »

 applause   lau
American blood spilled to protect the freedom and peace of people all over the world.  320,000 USA casualties in WWI, 1,076,000 USA casualties in WWII, 128,000 USA casualties in the Korean War, 211,000 casualties in the Vietnam "conflict", 57,000 USA casualties in "War on Terror".  Benghazi, Libya, 13 USA casualties. These figures don't include 70,000 MIA.  But, the leaders of one political party of the United States of America continue to make the statement..."What difference does it make?".

"We can't expect the American People to jump from Capitalism to Communism, but we can assist their elected leaders in giving them small doses of Socialism, until they awaken one day to find that they have Communism."..."The press is our chief ideological weapon." - Nikita Khrushchev

"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours." - Yogi Berra
Galactic Bee
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Location: Mid Michigan

« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2012, 02:21:09 PM »

That is hilarious Paw!  

Sometimes, if I’m on the ball, I’ll make up a crazy story when somebody asks me an obviously stupid question, but I have yet to come up with anything remotely as good as yours!   Your loyal prodigy, Grasshopper.
House Bee
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Posts: 109

Location: HWY 212, Boring Oregon

« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2012, 04:27:27 PM »

I need to show that one to my wife! I am not retired but I do stuff like that all the time.  I do it to a point that I have a formula for it. 
First strike up a conversation with the person in line.
Start with common facts about the item / story
Go to obscure facts only half true
Got to absurd with an personal antidote. 
Smile when you walk away to tell them that you were pulling their chain.
Put ice on arm where small blonde woman that is with you hit you.

Poor decisions make the best stories.
Galactic Bee
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Location: Hiram, Georgia

« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2012, 09:02:35 PM »

 lau   best one I seen in a while. 
Field Bee
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Location: Gray, Ga. USA.

God Protect and watch over our sons and daughters.

« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2012, 01:11:40 PM »

 Brian butt kick nicethread lau lau lau pink elephant

Oh the guys at work are going to love this one!

Super Bee
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Posts: 2285

Location: Kalamazoo,MI

« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2012, 01:15:08 PM »

 grin that is truly a funny tale! Thanks for posting.
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