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Offline kathyp

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the most selfish act
« on: February 28, 2012, 11:51:38 AM »
someone wanted a non-political topic, and i have one.

yesterday my BIL committed suicide.  i'm sure it was the usual reasons.  divorce, loss of job, etc.  what i want to express is my anger at his selfish act. 

he did it in a place where family was sure to find him. he gave no thought to the 10 year old daughter, who worshiped him, and is now left to wonder why that worship wasn't enough for daddy.  he did it where my 88 year old MIL lives.  the only thing good about it was that he chose a non-messy method.

to anyone thinking about taking their own life, realize this:  all you leave behind is anger.  anger that you were so selfish that you thought of no one else.  anger that you weren't stronger.  anger that you did what you thought would solve your problems, with no thought to the problems you would cause for all the people you left behind.

~
.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Online iddee

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2012, 01:01:35 PM »
My condolences, Kathy. My oldest brother did the same, except a bit messy. High powered deer rifle.
If does, as you say, leave many questions and mixed emotions.
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline BjornBee

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2012, 01:12:37 PM »
After several moments, I still draw a blank. Total loss for words.

I wish the best to you and your family kathy.

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Offline lenape13

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2012, 01:24:04 PM »
I am sorry for your loss.  You must remember that when someone chooses to take their own life, they are usually not in a rational state of mind.  They indeed, do not think of those who are left behind to pick up the pieces.  They are so caught up in the own misery, either real or imagined, that death seems to be the only solution. It is easy to say things like, "he could have asked for help...etc.", but when one reaches those depths of dispair, logical thinking is not the norm.  I know, for I have been there.  My attempt failed, so I guess one could call me a complete failure because I couldn't even kill myself correctly.  Looking back, it was a stupid thing to do, but at the time, it seemed the best alternative.  Do I still battle with depression, yes.  Would I seek such a drastic resolution in the future, barring terminal illness, no.  Unfortunately, your BIL, for whatever reasons known only to him, took this route. Try not to bear too much anger towards him.  By all means, feel free to vent your anger here, we will listen. Get out the punching bag, and go a couple of rounds if need be. Try to forgive him, for  your own sake, and do what needs to be done for the survivors.  They will need much love and support in these times.

Offline kathyp

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2012, 03:07:26 PM »
thanks.  guess i was venting a bit.  i have no real part in this other than to support my husband and boys.  this will fall hardest on chris, as he is the only surviving male in a family of females with poor coping skills, and no men of their own. 

this too shall pass....
.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Offline T Beek

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2012, 03:18:28 PM »
Having dealt w/ this issue way too many times with veterans and their families I have nothing but sympathy for those left behind and only condemnation and comtempt for the selfish act of cowardess known as suicide. 

I know of only one acceptable (to me, just me) reason to take ones own life and 'lifes troubles' are not even close to that reason.

t
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Offline jmblakeney

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2012, 03:20:30 PM »
I completely agree with everything you said in your vent Kathy.  I have a brother who has said on many occasions that he would do the same thing and never think twice about it.  Now, he hasn't ever tried it so that leads me to believe it is just for attention.  However, I had it out with him one day and told him just about everything that you stated above.  I told him that he a selfish, inconsiderate, person.  One who know exactly what it would do to our mother and family.  His only response was "well at least I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore".   I gave up, told him how selfish he was and left.

I am sorry for your loss and hope that your inlaws and family can cope with this ok.

James
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Offline RC

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2012, 04:44:39 PM »
Prayers sent, kathyp. I don't know anything I could say or do to comfort you and your family, but I know Who does.

Offline SEEYA

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2012, 07:09:11 PM »
My Condolences

Well said: lenape13  X:X
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Offline sterling

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2012, 08:57:29 PM »
Sorry for the situation Kathy. I know how you feel I went through the same thing about six years ago. It really hurts the ones left behind.

Offline AllenF

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2012, 09:14:48 PM »
Sorry Kathy for you, your husband, and his family.

Offline D Semple

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2012, 11:14:13 PM »
Prayers for your niece and family Kathy

Offline hardwood

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2012, 11:20:28 PM »
My heart is with you my friend.

Scott
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Offline Old Blue

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2012, 11:33:22 PM »
I am always short on words and struggle with the right things to say when I need them the most.  I am sorry for your families loss and understand your anger.  Please give your family my condolences and try not to be too hard on those of us who don't have better coping skills.  As you are angry and rightfully so, remember that loving forgiveness will do you and all those around you the most good and will carry your family through as best can be.

God bless you.
Old Blue

Offline JackM

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #14 on: February 29, 2012, 09:38:45 AM »
I hope you and your family have great strength at this trying time, even more, I do hope that child is not damaged for life. 
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Offline Intheswamp

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #15 on: February 29, 2012, 10:22:49 AM »
<snip>

this too shall pass....

Amen.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Offline Shawn

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #16 on: February 29, 2012, 03:18:26 PM »
kathyp sorry for your loss. In my line of work I see it all too often. Ive seen some do it with what they think is a very bg problem and some just because. The hardest is to see and have to inform the families. There are so many questions asked and left unanswered. So those that have thought this or may, just think about your families. I think every family memer will always think "there was something I could have done different." Would you really want a family member to go on thinking it was their fault? What if you have kids, would you want them growing up without one of their parents? What will the child think for the rest of their life? There is always something out there for everyone. You just have to find it.

Offline Keith13

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #17 on: February 29, 2012, 03:51:15 PM »
Sorry for your loss Kathy

Keith

Offline JP

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #18 on: February 29, 2012, 09:58:17 PM »
Kathy, so sorry this happened. My condolences to you and your family.


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Offline yockey5

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #19 on: February 29, 2012, 10:11:36 PM »
Sorry to hear this Kathy.

It also happened just today with an older fellow here. He was a great guy, but was informed of terminal cancer and ended it rather than deal with it.

Offline kathyp

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #20 on: February 29, 2012, 11:58:34 PM »
thanks to all of you.  everyone is hanging in.  of course, they decided to make the funeral a big flipping shindig, so i have to go buy big flipping shindig clothes.   :-D  oh well......
i have a problem with spending tons of money on the dead, but it's not my money, so i guess i'll just keep that to myself.
.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Offline T Beek

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #21 on: March 01, 2012, 06:31:14 AM »
Funerals are for the living, the dead don't care.

t
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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #22 on: March 01, 2012, 07:33:03 AM »
Sorry to hear of the tragedy kathy. We know you'll be the rock Chris needs at this time. Be strong! Our prayers are  with your family.

Offline T Beek

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #23 on: March 01, 2012, 07:46:46 AM »
Sorry to hear this Kathy.

It also happened just today with an older fellow here. He was a great guy, but was informed of terminal cancer and ended it rather than deal with it.

Some might call that 'dealing' w/ it yockey5.  'Terminal' Cancer is a life sentence and can put a substantial drain on all those around it.  I personally don't count terminal cancer as one of 'life's little problems' but as a problem w/ some options for those so suffering.

Have you ever spent time w/ a dyeing Cancer patient?  Some forms are worse than others and its never pleasent for the family, the 'friends' who stick around (funny how some just go away after the diagnosis), or the one suffering. 

As I eluded to earlier, this is perhaps the 'only' time I can excuse suicide, but THAT'S JUST ME!  :)

t
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Offline rgy

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #24 on: March 01, 2012, 12:43:10 PM »

  +2 Lenape!!!!!

If you have never experienced depression, count yourself lucky,you have no idea how painfull it is. 

Offline BlueBee

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #25 on: March 01, 2012, 01:50:38 PM »
+3 what Lenape said.  Not a rational thinking person in most cases.  So sorry for the family.

Offline yockey5

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2012, 02:22:11 PM »
Sorry to hear this Kathy.

It also happened just today with an older fellow here. He was a great guy, but was informed of terminal cancer and ended it rather than deal with it.

Some might call that 'dealing' w/ it yockey5.  'Terminal' Cancer is a life sentence and can put a substantial drain on all those around it.  I personally don't count terminal cancer as one of 'life's little problems' but as a problem w/ some options for those so suffering.

Have you ever spent time w/ a dyeing Cancer patient?  Some forms are worse than others and its never pleasent for the family, the 'friends' who stick around (funny how some just go away after the diagnosis), or the one suffering. 

As I eluded to earlier, this is perhaps the 'only' time I can excuse suicide, but THAT'S JUST ME!  :)

t

t beek, I don't want, nor do I need for you to quote me, or to respond to me. Needle someone else.

Offline T Beek

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #27 on: March 01, 2012, 04:35:17 PM »
 8-)
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Offline annette

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #28 on: March 01, 2012, 11:44:26 PM »
I am so, so sorry Kathy. My father killed himself about 15 years ago. It was the worst thing I ever went through in my life. My mom left him and he was so so lonely. I did not go to his funeral as I was raging mad at my mother. I couldn't function for quite a while after that. My thoughts and prayers are with you Kathy. Very difficult to go through.

Sincerely
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Offline deknow

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2012, 12:55:35 AM »
...rational or not, suicide is rarely a spur of the moment act...it generally follows a long period of great sadness.  I understand the anger that loved ones usually feel (especially when things are neat and clean and/or private), but I would urge some compassion for the dead.  Inflicting pain on others is rarely the (or a) goal...imagine how badly you would have to feel in order to end your life...now, imagine that you don't have to imagine that feeling...that it is your daily reality.

Don't get me wrong...everyone is entitled to their own feelings and it is natural to be angry....I wouldn't dream of telling anyone how they should feel....but I think a little empathy goes a long way towards understanding.

deknow

Offline schawee

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Re: the most selfish act
« Reply #30 on: March 02, 2012, 01:58:25 AM »
sorry for your lost kathy.will keep you in my prayers              .....schawee
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