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Author Topic: Your best one liners???  (Read 8280 times)

Offline beemaster

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Your best one liners???
« on: January 20, 2011, 12:25:08 AM »
I'm starting two posts this and one called PUNCHLINES where all you give is the punchline and see if others remember or heard the joke. Good thing about punchlines, the joke can be risque' but the punchline perfectly clean.

But here is my entry in ONE LINE JOKES:

A club sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

What's yours :)

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Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2011, 09:25:40 AM »
 It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Online iddee

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2011, 10:13:36 AM »
Two's a couple.
Three's a party.  "or orgy"
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline beemaster

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2011, 11:19:13 AM »
The only way to keep a secret, is to "tell ONE person" then kill him!
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Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2011, 11:21:03 AM »
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Offline Dave360

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2011, 08:27:30 PM »
two blonds walk into a building  - you think one of them would have seen it

Offline Humanbeeing

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2011, 01:36:13 AM »
Here's a one liner I pull on my wife sometimes...in a crowd:

Marry you? Heck lady, I don't even know you!

She loves it.  :evil:
HELP! I accidently used Drone eggs with the Hopkins method and I got Drag Queens!!!

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2011, 10:28:48 AM »
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Offline BjornBee

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2011, 11:22:37 AM »
Do you smell anything?  :-D
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Offline kathyp

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2011, 12:50:18 PM »
S... H......!
.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville

Offline irerob

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2011, 09:36:06 PM »
 a guy walks into a bar and says ow.
 2 guys walk into a bar you"lld think one of them would of seen it.
 A nun, preist ,2 rabbii's, and 7 penguins  walk into a bar the bartender looks up and says " what is this a joke?"
You don't need a parachute to sky dive.... you do how ever need one to sky dive twice.
 KJ4QMH.

Offline beee farmer

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2011, 10:32:26 PM »
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..." 

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do"  Benjamin Franklin

Offline beee farmer

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2011, 11:03:00 PM »
What kind of bees make milk?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boobies!
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do"  Benjamin Franklin

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2011, 12:17:52 AM »
It's so cold out today that the nudist colony down the road had a sign out front that said "open, but clothed".

Offline Highlandsfreedom

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2011, 12:34:14 AM »
Hay Y'all watch this!!!!..................
Wrote a song about it like to hear it here ya go.............................
Ever danced with the Devil in the pale moon light?
Can Geico save you a ton of money?......................
To bee or not to bee that is the question I wake up to answer that every morning...

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2011, 02:40:52 PM »
Women are like hurricanes, because when they come they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them!

Offline hardwood

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2011, 03:58:13 PM »
How are a tornado and an Osteen divorce alike?...no matter what, somebody's loosin' a trailer!

They invented the tooth brush here...anywhere else it would've been called the "teeth" brush.

Scott
"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Offline Irwin

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2011, 04:50:07 PM »
Cat the other white meat.
Fight organized crime!  Re-elect no one.

Offline hardwood

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2011, 07:13:20 PM »
Salmon, the other pink meat :-D


Scott
"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2011, 12:45:39 AM »
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.
Michael Bush
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--Rick Nielsen

Offline annette

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2011, 02:24:33 AM »
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.

:evil: :evil:

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2011, 09:19:17 AM »
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Offline beemaster

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2011, 11:20:59 AM »
WORSE THING I EVER HEARD SAID ABOUT HONEYBEES... A mother tells her toddler that "Honey comes from SQUEESING the QUEENS til there's no juice left" That was in a book by Isaac Isomov.

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Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2011, 10:54:00 PM »
Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Offline vmmartin

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2011, 09:57:22 AM »
"Did you fart?"..............................."Dang right I did. You think I smell like that all the time?"

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #25 on: January 29, 2011, 04:28:16 PM »
"Did you fart?"..............................."Nope, truck just smells like that all the time"

Online iddee

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2012, 10:04:26 PM »
My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died.
Now, he votes Democrat.
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline danno

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #27 on: August 29, 2012, 08:49:36 AM »
Buy a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he'' buy enough rods and tackle for ten lifetimes

Offline danno

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #28 on: August 29, 2012, 08:56:14 AM »
my favorite J foxworthy
If you've ever been to drunk to fish.  You could be a redneck

Offline triple7sss

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #29 on: August 29, 2012, 05:56:33 PM »
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.  Bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?"

Pirate sez....

"Arrrrrrgh...it's drivin' me nuts."

Offline Nico

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #30 on: August 29, 2012, 11:43:21 PM »
What do you call a Bear without an ear?      a   "B"

Offline hardwood

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #31 on: August 29, 2012, 11:44:57 PM »
Where can you find a dog with no legs?....Right where you left him!

Scott
"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Offline beetalkin

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #32 on: August 30, 2012, 12:20:49 AM »
where does a one-legged waitress work ? IHOP

Offline beetalkin

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #33 on: August 30, 2012, 12:22:12 AM »
what's her name ? Ilene

Offline hardwood

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #34 on: August 30, 2012, 09:26:03 AM »
If she's Asian it's Irene.
"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Offline Oblio13

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #35 on: August 31, 2012, 12:29:28 AM »
"How are you? Wait, I just remembered - I don't care."

Online iddee

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #36 on: September 02, 2012, 11:42:46 AM »
The best laugh is always at yourself.
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline divemaster1963

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #37 on: September 03, 2012, 01:33:55 AM »
A police officer asked a man that's wrecked his car into a light pole. I see we have a problem! the Man responds saying. ( No I park like this all the time. ) here's your sign. :-D

Offline divemaster1963

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #38 on: September 03, 2012, 01:38:00 AM »
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.


NO NO NO. Beekeepers like to LICK their Honey.

Offline AllenF

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #39 on: September 03, 2012, 09:27:06 PM »
If Barak and 100 other people are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?   


The country.

Offline hareman

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2012, 02:42:18 PM »
Best one-liner of the weekend:

"If we want to keep our nation's secrets a 'SECRET' then we should store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate."Gov. Mike Huckabee
Do your best and let God do the rest.

Offline Lone

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Re: Your best one liners???
« Reply #41 on: September 11, 2012, 09:26:12 AM »
Only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another a liar.