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Author Topic: Ha!!! Any woman over 40 can relate to this one!!! Smiling that big smile...  (Read 1687 times)

Offline Cindi

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My oldest Daughter, imagine that, of whom I am sure this story is partly about (and of course about me too) sent this in an e-mail this morning.  She is the buff gal, the gal that has that beautiful body, although she will be 39 this year, she is amazing......still looks like she was when she was 16.  I am sure she sent this e-mail, chuckling all the way through it.  Right, she is the one that gave Ken and I gift certificates to Waves to have a pedicure, smiling, which we still haven't done.  Have that most beautiful and awesome life, day, health, Cindi


          If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.

          Dear Diary,
          For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.

          Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.

          I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

          My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

          Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

          Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

          Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

          I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally mad e it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

          The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.

          Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY

          My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other bleep too.

          Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

          Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bleep to
find me.

          Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
          _________ _ _____________________
          I hate that bleep Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

          Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

          The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
the choir director?

          Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

          I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little bleep) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold.  The Arctic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold.  The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see, what the night on the marge of Lake Lebarge, I cremated Sam McGee.  Robert Service

Offline kathyp

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that's hilarious.  it's also a bit close to the truth!  :-D
One could not learn history from architecture any more than one could learn it from books. Statues, inscriptions, memorial stones, the names of streets ? anything that might throw light upon the past had been systematically altered. (1.8.85)

George Orwell  "1984"

Offline annette

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That is so, so funny Cindi. Except for me, that women would have looked like a monster from the very beginning. Oh how I hate to exercise and have to force myself to do it though.

Offline vermmy35

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I loved it, and yes even when you can bench 195 like me you still have day like those.  The only thing that keeps me going is the wife; since if I were ever go back to 245 lbs. she said she would dump me in a second. :-D
Semper Fi to all my brothers out there

Offline poka-bee

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BWAHAHAHA!   :lau: That's a good one Cindi, & yes, very close to the truth!  After I dig, pull, drag & whatever around here there isn't much energy left!  I think those of us who garden & work with animals do lots of weight bearing exercise in our daily routines. Areobic not so much, I hate that anyways, boring to me to just move around without seeing anything.  I know I seize up arfter splitting wood or digging holes now...much more than when younger!  :yippiechick: J
I'm covered in Beeesssss!  Eddie Izzard

Offline Cindi

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Hey girls, hee, hee.  I knew you gals would chime in.

  Now Vermmy, you better keep on benchpressing 195 or the Wife is gonna get rid of ya, smiling....and yep, keep under that 245 mark.  Those aches and pains, buggin' the dickins out of me, never used to feel like this either, smiling.  Beautiful day in these great lives, great health.  Cindi
There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold.  The Arctic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold.  The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see, what the night on the marge of Lake Lebarge, I cremated Sam McGee.  Robert Service