Need Bees Removed?
International
Beekeeping Forums
September 19, 2014, 11:29:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: 24/7 Ventrilo Voice chat -click for instructions and free software here
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar bee removal Login Register Chat  

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF U.S. INDEPENDENCE by John Cleese  (Read 3368 times)
asleitch
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 203


Location: UK


« on: February 23, 2005, 08:26:32 AM »

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

3. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

4. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

5. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using only twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

6. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language, then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

7. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

8. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents a upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

10. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

11. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game that is not played outside of America. Because only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

12. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

13. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but in only England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

14. All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

15. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

16. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.

17. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

18. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

19. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

20. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA, and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

21. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

22. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

23. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
Logged
TwT
Senior Forum
Global Moderator
Galactic Bee
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 3384


Location: Walker, La.

Ted


« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2005, 08:45:34 AM »

pretty good  Cheesy  Cheesy  Cheesy
Logged

THAT's ME TO THE LEFT JUST 5 YEARS FROM NOW!!!!!!!!

Never be afraid to try something new.
Amateurs built the ark,
Professionals built the Titanic
Jerrymac
Galactic Bee
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 6047


Location: Wolfforth Texas


« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2005, 09:05:58 AM »

I don't see where they can take more than they lost. Something about thirteen colonies up in the north east? Sorry guys.

OH! And did you hear, Texas has succeded from the union?
Logged

rainbow sunflower  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   rainbow sunflower

 Jerry

My pictures.Type in password;  youview
     http://photobucket.com/albums/v225/Jerry-mac/
BigRog
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 111

Location: Richmond, Virginia


« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2005, 07:21:38 PM »

Don't mess with my FOOTBALL!
Logged

"Lurch my good man,…what did you mean when you said just now that 'You've got better things to do than run my petty little errands'…….?"
Beth Kirkley
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 103

Location: Eastman, Georgia


WWW
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2005, 09:48:48 PM »

That is FUNNY! Really really funny! Thank you! LOL

Beth
Logged

asleitch
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 203


Location: UK


« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2005, 03:02:40 AM »

Quote from: BigRog
Don't mess with my FOOTBALL!


Football? That'd be the game where you kick the ball with your foot right?

Anything involving hands is something else!

i.e. Rugby union or Rugby league!!!  shocked  Cheesy  Cheesy  cheesy  cheesy  cheesy

Adam
Logged
asleitch
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 203


Location: UK


« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2005, 03:05:09 AM »

Just out of interest - can you buy Czech Budwieser over there?

Adam
Logged
Sting
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 60


Location: Aylmer, Québec, Canada


« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2005, 01:28:17 PM »

We Canucks can meet you both half-way:  There are U's in our neighbours and favours, however we do play NORTH-American football.*  Soccer is okay too; a little slow, though, after watching a hockey game.

* The game of Rugby was introduced to North America by the British Army garrison in Montreal, Quebec, which played a series of games with McGill University. In 1874, McGill arranged to play a few games at Harvard, which liked the new game so much that it became a feature of the Ivy League. Both the Canadian and American games evolved from this point.
Logged

"Where the bee sucks, there suck I." William Shakespeare: The Tempest.

My apiary is about 17 kms. (10 miles) NW (back & left) of this web-cam view:  'See any of my girls?
http://www.parliamenthill.gc.ca/text/hillcam_e.html
beemaster
Site Founder
Administrator
Galactic Bee
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 6240


Location: Manchester, NJ

It is my pleasure to bring the forums to you.


WWW
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2005, 02:48:55 PM »

I really enjoyed this but because of the contraversy it will cause, I think we need to vote on weither John Cleese should be BANNED as a member or not  shocked

It is amazing how the world sees the US - I am quite sure John Cleese speaks for MANY people.

About football - your guys... our guys.... anytime!!! Rugby, you win - that's a wild game, I hurt just watching it  wink
Logged

NJBeemaster my YOUTUBE Video Collection
Follow us on TWITTER
SKYPE NJBeemaster - include your FORUM NAME in contact request
My Personal FACEBOOK Page


"All donations to our forums are greatly appreciated"
Please click HERE to help support our forum.
Sting
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 60


Location: Aylmer, Québec, Canada


« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2005, 03:35:36 PM »

Whose guys BeeMaster?

Twelve Canadians were on National Football League rosters last season.  

Winnipeg's Israel Idonije and Montreal's Alain Kashama are on the Chicago Bears' defensive line. Veteran receiver Jerome Pathon and punter Mitch Berger, both of Vancouver, are with the New Orleans Saints. The Jacksonville Jaguars' roster includes offensive lineman Brett Romberg of Windsor, Ont., and defensive end Rob Meier of Vancouver.

Toronto running back Kerry Carter and Montreal long snapper J.P. Darche were with the Seattle Seahawks.

Kicker Mike Vanderjagt of Oakville, Ont., is with the Indianapolis Colts, tight end Teyo Johnson of White Rock, B.C., with the Oakland Raiders, offensive tackle Steve Morley of Halifax with the Green Bay Packers and quarterback Jesse Palmer of Ottawa is with the New York Giants.

Toronto linebacker Mike Labinjo was placed on the practice roster by the Philadelphia Eagles.
Logged

"Where the bee sucks, there suck I." William Shakespeare: The Tempest.

My apiary is about 17 kms. (10 miles) NW (back & left) of this web-cam view:  'See any of my girls?
http://www.parliamenthill.gc.ca/text/hillcam_e.html
beemaster
Site Founder
Administrator
Galactic Bee
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 6240


Location: Manchester, NJ

It is my pleasure to bring the forums to you.


WWW
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2005, 05:03:20 PM »

footnote: I use the terms football, soccer and rugby - I am an American, and this is what we call them. You figure out which I am talking about Smiley  SIDE NOTE: I don't follow either sport. I like Nascar cheesy

Well put Sting. I'll modify it and say we'll match the American version of football Players against the Soccer Players any day of the week and bet a paycheck on it. Of course, first we need to choose WHICH GAME they will play - and to keep it fair, I say RUGBY  shocked

Then we will take the 350 pound monster football players (with their far less stamina) and pit them against the 110 pound marathon gazelles of Soccer, and let them both pound the crap out of each other and see who wins. After ten minutes of  pounding the football players will casually walk to the goals with little resistance with what ever football the use.

If you match our football players against soccer players (playing soccer) I agree, we don't have a chance and the same goes if the soccer players suit-up and go tackle each other for 3 hours against football players, the football players will pulverise them.

There is a "gearing" problem. Soccer is built for high-gear action and football is build for low-gear action - but you can't put a figure skater and a hockey player on the ice either and find a fair sporting event equal for BOTH OF THEM either. Just like a cigarette style speed boat and a tug against each other - it's all apple and oranges.

Personally, I want to see CURLING PLAYERS and BASEBALL PLAYERS fight it out on the TENNIS COURT - lol. I'd say in a BOWLING ALLEY, but we can't agree on the size of the pins. My God, what a topic!
Logged

NJBeemaster my YOUTUBE Video Collection
Follow us on TWITTER
SKYPE NJBeemaster - include your FORUM NAME in contact request
My Personal FACEBOOK Page


"All donations to our forums are greatly appreciated"
Please click HERE to help support our forum.
BigRog
House Bee
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 111

Location: Richmond, Virginia


« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2005, 05:58:03 PM »

I think that the chapionship for your "football" is called World cup soccer.
Pick one name and stick with it. Rugby is not football but closer. Austrailian football is just a fight with a ball involved somehow.
Logged

"Lurch my good man,…what did you mean when you said just now that 'You've got better things to do than run my petty little errands'…….?"
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Beemaster's Beekeeping Ring
Previous | Home | Join | Random | Next
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines | Sitemap Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Page created in 0.242 seconds with 22 queries.

Google visited last this page September 06, 2014, 02:05:33 AM