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Author Topic: proper use of tools  (Read 1433 times)

Offline kathyp

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proper use of tools
« on: January 11, 2009, 08:43:53 PM »



I have been certified in the use of the last tool for a number of years, all
the others I have used in the fashion described.....


                               DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
                               WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
 removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

   ''What the... ?

                                ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

                               SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

                               BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into

major refinishing jobs.


 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human

 energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
 course, the more dismal your future becomes.


Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                               WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of

your hand.

                               OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
 igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

                               TABLE SAW:

 A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

                               HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
 trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

                               EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

 Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

                               E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

 A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending

 any possible future use.

                               BAND SAW:

 A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into

smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead

 of the outside edge.

                               TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

                               CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

                               AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

                               PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

                               STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into

 non-removable screws.

                               PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in

order to replace a 50 cent part.

                               HOSE CUTTER:

 A tool used to make hoses too short.


 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining

rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

                               MECHANIC''S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front

door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work

clothes, but only while wearing them.

                               DAMMIT TOOL:

 Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top

 of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

One could not learn history from architecture any more than one could learn it from books. Statues, inscriptions, memorial stones, the names of streets ? anything that might throw light upon the past had been systematically altered. (1.8.85)

George Orwell  "1984"

Offline poka-bee

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Re: proper use of tools
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2009, 09:21:01 PM »
Kathy, I use em the same way!!  J
I'm covered in Beeesssss!  Eddie Izzard

Offline 1reb

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Re: proper use of tools
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2009, 09:22:22 PM »
Since I am a millwright, I know the Dammit Tools  :evil: I used to have a bag full of these tools but the bag is half full now!!!  Now it is time to go to Sears and buy me some more of these Dammit Tools


Offline Jerrymac

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Re: proper use of tools
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2009, 09:58:39 PM »
Where is a side grinder. They are great at grinding out holes in your skin that don't bleed and years later is a dark spot that probably will never go away

A hacksaw makes real neat cuts in fingers when something slips.
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Offline Keith13

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Re: proper use of tools
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2009, 09:32:19 AM »
The hammer definition was to the T


Offline Brian D. Bray

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Re: proper use of tools
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2009, 06:05:13 PM »
Dammit tools are an important part of any do-it-yourself project.  I consider them so important that I've got a bucket for putting all the broken, chipped, and bent tools in left after stress failure.  That way I don't have to purposely stress fail a tool just to make a Dammit Tool.  But, to be honest, I think I need to replace the bucket with a barrel.
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