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Author Topic: Colonoscopy Journal  (Read 1269 times)
edenviewgarden
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Jane


« on: November 12, 2008, 11:52:53 AM »

I love it when someone can take something unpleasant and make it hilarious.  This brought tears to my eyes.  It's really long but worth it if you haven't seen it already.  rolleyes



 Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
 the Miami Herald.
 
 This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
 journal:
 
 I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
 make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
 his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
 lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
 point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
 explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
 reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
 didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
 was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
 
 I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
 and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
 which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
 I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
 to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
 America 's enemies.
 
 I spent the next several days productively sitting around
 being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
 began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
 didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
 chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
 flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
 two packets of powder together in a one-liter
 plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
 those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
 about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
 kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
 just a hint of lemon.
 
 The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
 with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
 is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
 you may experience contact with the ground.
 
 MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
 graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
 launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
 you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
 commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
 much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
 eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
 totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
 at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
 into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
 even eaten yet.
 
 After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
 The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
 nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
 had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
 spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
 Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
 like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 
 At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
 understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
 forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
 colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
 space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
 hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
 that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
 than when you are actually naked.
 
 Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
 my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
 was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
 told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
 first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is,
 but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
 too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
 around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
 to burn your house.
 
 When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
 procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
 anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
 knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
 seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
 my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
 something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
 playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
 of all the songs that could be playing during this
 particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
 least appropriate.
 
 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
 somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
 was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
 decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
 am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
 was like.
 
 I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
 ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
 tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
 other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
 looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
 excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
 that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
 flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
 organ.
 
 
 On the subject of Colonoscopies...
 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
 exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
 following are actual comments made by his patients
 (predominately male) while he was performing their
 colonoscopies:
 
 1. (deleted)
 
 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 
 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 
 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
 
 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 
 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 
 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 
 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
 
 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
 
 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
 
 12. (deleted)
 
 And the best one of all....
 
 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
 there?
 

 

 
 
 
 
 


 



 


 


 
 

 


 

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Those who dance are thought mad by those who do not hear the music.
danno
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« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2008, 01:35:33 PM »

The office that I work in is filled with practical jokers.   Last month one of the guys turned 50 and I had been giving him a hard time about the scope job for months.  For his B-day party I made a home  Colonoscopy kit.  It contained a 4' pc of black fuel line with a computor cord coming out of one end and a lense in the other made from a glass fish eye that i got from a taxidermist freind. These were the directions that I included in the packageing
 
 Home Colonoscopy
 As Seen on TV
 Kit
  Avoid the embarrassment of having this done by strangers
 Doctor are expensive so why pay for something you can do yourself
 
 
This kit contains everything you need to perform
 a complete colonoscopy and it so easy to use!!
 
 1:  Take all the extra-lax pills the day before use
 Note!!  Prune juice purchased separately will
 help wash it down
 
  2:  Plug the cord in to a USB port of a computer
 
  3:  Plug the other end into Well you know where
Note Don’t forget the lube
 
  4:  Down load the complete procedure for future
 family movie nights
 
  Kit Contains
   
  Scope   (in black but also available in tan, yellow and red)
   Rubber Gloves
  Extra-Lax   (for that fresh empty feeling)
  Butt lube   (alittle dab will do ya)
  Tylenol PM   (to help you forget)
 
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Jerrymac
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« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2008, 04:54:33 PM »

My Doctor puts me under every time. Can't imagine anyone going through that while awake.
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rainbow sunflower  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   rainbow sunflower

 Jerry

My pictures.Type in password;  youview
     http://photobucket.com/albums/v225/Jerry-mac/
edenviewgarden
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Jane


« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2008, 08:03:04 AM »

The office that I work in is filled with practical jokers.   Last month one of the guys turned 50 and I had been giving him a hard time about the scope job for months.  For his B-day party I made a home  Colonoscopy kit. 
 


Ah- the gift that keeps on giving! LOL  That must have been hilarious and a huge hit at the party.  Working in that kind of atmosphere sure takes the drudgery out.

My Doctor puts me under every time. Can't imagine anyone going through that while awake.


Yes, trust me, you don't want to be awake!  Been there, done that!  Won't be doing that again!  Doctors always say, "You won't feel a thing."  They lie!!!  or is it that they just run into "unanticipated occurances"?  Best to be unconscious- just to be on the safe side!  Besides, you don't want to be awake when all that air they pumped you full of has to make a return trip to the outside world!!!!  Slightly embarrassing...
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Those who dance are thought mad by those who do not hear the music.
danno
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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2008, 08:53:34 AM »

To add to the fun of the home Colonoscopy kit, we are trying to talk him into taking the kit to his Dec 8 proceedure and asking the Dr if he can get a discount by using his own equipment.  The nurses will have a cow!!!  We told him he would make their week and they will never forget him
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edenviewgarden
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Jane


« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2008, 10:07:56 AM »

I love it!!! Doctors and nurses could use some serious comic relief!  Gotta release those endorphins to combat the stress chemicals.
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Those who dance are thought mad by those who do not hear the music.
Jerrymac
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2008, 03:23:45 PM »

And by the way, if and when you go to get this done, there are other things they can give you to clean you out. I couldn't get even a quarter of a gallon of that nasty stuff down. So they gave me some different stuff. If you really must know what it is I will have to ask the wife. I can't remember those names.


Another short story..... They were going into the other end to check out my stomach. This was the third or fourth time to have this done. I thought they were trying to stick the thing in the wrong side of my throat and I was trying to stop them from doing it and tried to tell them it was wrong. They stopped and let me come around so they could advise me they were waiting on another anesthesiologist specialist. Had to bring in the big guns to put me way under.     
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rainbow sunflower  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   rainbow sunflower

 Jerry

My pictures.Type in password;  youview
     http://photobucket.com/albums/v225/Jerry-mac/
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