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Author Topic: Tazer for a gift  (Read 1186 times)

Offline Irwin

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Tazer for a gift
« on: November 11, 2008, 01:24:18 AM »
I did a search didn't find this one.

I sincerely hope no one finds this offensive.. I just laughed so hard I thought I'd share it...

This is a little long, but well worth the time invested in reading it if you need a good laugh!  I was laughing so much I had tears rolling down my face and it was hard to read for the blur in my eyes!  Not that I enjoy the fact of pain being inflicted on someone, but it was just too funny!!!!!!


You will get a kick out of this one and maybe learn what not to do with
a Tazer! 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
anniversary submitted this to a local newspaper:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to exp lain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purp ortedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and th en body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on
myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!   
Fight organized crime!  Re-elect no one.

Offline alfred

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Re: Tazer for a gift
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2008, 10:55:34 AM »
Thanks for the laugh and the warning....
 I can totally see myself doing the same thing!!

Offline BjornBee

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Re: Tazer for a gift
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2008, 11:07:12 AM »
I was smiling the whole time but burst out loud when I read the "poop" part.  :shock:

Very good. Now where did you say you bought that...  :-D
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Offline edenviewgarden

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Re: Tazer for a gift
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2008, 12:29:47 PM »
That was really funny.  I guess I have "that" kind of sense of humor  :evil: Thanks for the laugh.

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