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Author Topic: My short story... John, used your name, hope I don't need to pay too much {:  (Read 1305 times)
buzzbeejr
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« on: June 12, 2008, 01:08:44 AM »

Well, the guys on ventrilo have talked me into. I'll post up my short story that I did for a school project for everyone to see. ( and criticize).


A Civil Air Patrol Adventure.
   

     Sergeant Freezer was sitting in the mission office discussing the next day's plans on the search for a recently downed aircraft.  On this mission they even had the cadets up in the air helping out on this one.  What had happened was one and a half days ago the small plane with he call sign N381K, had gone down somewhere in Central Pa.  His log book had indicated he was headed for Williamsport Regional from Baltimore International at about 10:30 yesterday morning.

     One of the cadets up helping in the search was Cadet Colonel Keeler.  He was in the second plane in the Pennsylvania wing's fleet of five Cessnas and three Maul Orions.  On the radios there was a lot of racket of the planes saying whether or not they had seen anything in there assigned search area to the other planes and ground crew.  Commander Colonel was the strictest of the cadets.  The cadets assigned to be under his command would be very unhappy for the next couple of days.  Thankfully, this was Keeler's last year as Cadet Colonel until he became a senior member.

     The next morning they were up in the air again searching for a John Clayton and his downed Cessna 172 Sky Hawk.  It had been three days now since John was last reported being seen and some Squadrons had given up the search.  But, Colonel Keeler never gave up on a search.  That is how he made such high rank and won the prestigious Spaatz award, the highest award given in CAP, and many other awards and ribbons.  Colonel Keeler just kept barking orders all day to his team.  At the end of that night, John still hadn't been found.

     The next day at six a.m sharp, everyone was on the search again.  Half way through the day the second Cessna in the fleet, Colonel Keeler's plane, had found the downed aircraft in the woods, but not John Clayton.  Everyone wondered if maybe he went looking for food or water and had gotten lost.  Or maybe, he was attacked by an animal.  There was always that possibility he wasn't even alive.  No one even like to think of that.

     That night,Colonel Keeler went to speak with Sergeant Freezer.  He wanted to talk to him about the search that had been going on for the last few days.  Colonel Keeler thought that he deserved to be a senior member early because he had always thought he was better than anyone else.  Freezer denied this request and told Keeler that he could wait out the rest of this year.  Keeler was ticked.  He thought he was too good to not be a senior member, after all look at all he's accomplished.

     The next morning , everyone was on the ground except for 2 planes.  This time they weren't looking for a downed airplane, it was a missing person.  Colonel Keeler, as usual, was hollering orders to his cadets.  Colonel Keeler was still furious about last nights discussion with Sergeant Freezer.  The Squadron started by having all of the ground crews search the crash site.  The first plane searches twenty miles East of the crash site, towards the nearest town.  Next, for reasons only a few know, Sergeant Freezer put the second plane 25 miles to the North of the crash.  The second plane, about a half an hour after being sent to search mentioned over the radio that they had found a high probability area.  By now it was dark and everyone was tired, but they stuck it out.  The State Police helicopter turned on it's twenty million candle power spot light to search the area of interest.  Wouldn't you know it, there was John Clayton, alive and well.  He had only a few bumps, bruises, and slightly shaken up.  John was in an open field about 10 miles north of Williamsport Regional Airport.  He flagged down the helicopter and it landed in the field.

     Once John was aboard the helicopter, he told the whole story of how the plane went down.  He said that night he was going to land at Williamsport, It was foggy with about a twenty knot crosswind from the North.  Air Traffic Control (ATC) told him to circle until a Cessna 152 numbered N5498D had landed.  John told ATC that he was down to ten gallons of fuel.  As he was circling, he ran out of fuel and was at the mercy of the wind which blew the plane off course and he had to make an emergency landing near that field. 

     After everyone was back at base, Colonel Keeler went again to talk to Sergeant Freezer about getting an early promotion.  Once again Freezer denied his request.  Finally, Colonel Keeler gave up on his argument and decided he would just have to wait until next year.

     All in all that week was very hectic.  Everyone was very happy when it ended.  Keeler didn't get his promotion and John was found okay.  The week had actually turned out pretty good.








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« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2008, 09:37:27 AM »

I got to say Josh, I enjoyed the story very much. You might want to check for gramatical errors (past/present tense and "Scene" should be used in the upper sentences.

I (as a reader) I expect in a story a good conclusion, you have done that well. If I wanted to build drama, as a recap I might add at the end: and John Clayton was found safe after 4 days of exhaustive searching, he was hungry but only bruised lightly during his memorable adventure.

See, you get to add a TIME to the whole event, people subconcious is what tells us what 4 days or a year or a decade is, when we are doing unconcious math in our heads. So adding a time fator to a story, increases the readers feelings for the searchers and John - GREAT JOB, I think you'll have a good future writing, pay attension to details in your stories - read it as if you have never read it before, even have HAL (text to speech program Josh uses) to read it to you, and you will hear any mistakes.

Find your "HE" where you mean "HIS" - talk later. I give it an A- only cause I know you have skills you don't even know about yet. I made a mistake once and wrote the word FOOTPRINTS when I meant FOOTSTEPS - my teachers said it was a great, trilling story and that mistake hit him like a stop sign. Thanks for a starring role, I'll send you the bill later Smiley

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« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2008, 09:39:40 PM »

Wouldn't he have his logbook with him ?
I think You may have meant " Flight Plan "

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« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2008, 12:10:13 AM »

yeah, your right. oops.
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« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2008, 09:42:16 AM »

Once the plane went down, John, with bumps and bruises, and most notably a small laceration on his tongue was unable to speak for several days, this was John's undoing. When he was found he was alive but no one could understand him, just gibberish, plain gibberish was all that would come out.

A few days later John was institutionalized and put in a straight jacket, but months later he soon found his inner voice and he is out and doing fine now.

Be sure to check out his new book, The Backyard Barbecuer (How Cooking Fatty Meats Saved My Life, And My Sanity!)

On sale now with Walden books, get you a copy soon, ya hear! Wink Kiss grin

Loved the story Josh!

Hey John, please don't ban me from the site, was just having a little fun!!! grin

Hey, Josh started it!!! Wink


...JP
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buzzbeejr
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« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2008, 10:58:20 AM »

JP, now I'd be watching your back, or at least be waiting for payback. grin grin
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« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2008, 05:53:54 PM »

JP, now I'd be watching your back, or at least be waiting for payback. grin grin

 grin grin grin

Good job Josh!!! Keep up the great work!


...JP
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« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2008, 01:18:00 PM »

Josh, excellent writing and a storyline too, good for you, you may be an upcoming writer of books, hee, hee.  Keep on using those skills that you very obviously possess.  Yeah for Josh!!!  Have that wonderful day, keep it wonderful -- and enjoy life.  Cindi
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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2008, 07:59:32 AM »

Y`all coulda saved a lot of time by locating airports with bars in em Wink

Mate, keep reading, keep writing, try to post a story a month. Reading improves everything.

You might think reading is boring compared to playing NASCAR, but if thats the case, lemme send you a few books.

Then in 10 years, we can say "Well actually we made Josh the Pulitzer Prize winning Author, what he is today" !

Reading gives you imagination, dreams, fantasies, ideas.

At the end of the day, people will always want to read a good story. The punctuation etc can be fixed up later. Let the words flow out of you like a river from a gorge. Use a recorder if you can. Get those ideas down in rough form, then work on them later.

The secret is that the story has to be in your own words. Write what you feel, whats in your heart, forget about grammar and spelling and  syntax, that will come with practice.

I want to see you write a story about the excitement of Tractor Pulling! Then TWT and I will turn it onto a script and get rich.

(well I get rich, he already is) Wink



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