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Author Topic: A Gift for the Wife!  (Read 4293 times)
Frantz
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« on: March 17, 2008, 08:43:32 PM »

This is why we should all have guns to protect ourselves!!!

 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & amp;
 Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
 our 15nd Anniversary(March 6th), and I was looking for a little
 something 'extra' for my wife.
 
 I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
 taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
 short lived, with no l ong-term adverse affect on the
 assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
 safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
 
 Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it
 home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing,
 and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
 
 I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
 pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
 I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
 forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
 
 Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what
 that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
 to myself that it couldn' t be all THAT bad, with only
 two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my
 recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently
 (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
 directions, and thinking that I really needed to try
 this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
 I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for
 only a fraction of a second) and then thought better
 of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
 give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
 a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
 as advertised.
 
 Am I wrong?
 
 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top,
 with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
 bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
 in another. The directions said that a one-second
 burst would shock and disorie nt your assailant; a
 two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms,
 and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
 burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
 the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
 than three seconds would just be wasting the
 batteries.
 
 All the while, I'm looking at this little device
 measuring about 5' long, less than 3 /4 inch in
 circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with
 two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
 thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'
 
 What happened next is almost beyond description, but
 I'll do my best.
 
 I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
 head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it
 master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
 tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that
 bad...
 
 I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for
 the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
 thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
 WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
 
 I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
 door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
 us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and
 over again.
 
 I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal
 position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
 both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
 with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
 position, and tingling in my legs.
 
 The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
 had never heard before, licking my face, and
 undoubtedly thinking to h erself, 'do it again, do it
 again!'
 
 Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
 with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH
 THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself.
 You will not let go of that thing until it is
 dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
 on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
 conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!
 
 A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
 relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
 (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the
 landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
 of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???)
 
 My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
 twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
 Novocain, and my bott om lip weighed 88 lbs.
 
 I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
 significant reward for their safe return.

Frantz
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poka-bee
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2008, 09:04:18 PM »

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOLOL You brought tears to my eyes!!
Is this true Frantz?? I had to hand the computer to my hubby cause he was wondering what the heck bee people could say that was that funny! He cracked up too.  Can't wait to read what you will do next year!!
Jody cheesy cheesy
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Brian D. Bray
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2008, 10:03:09 PM »

HEE LARRY OUS!!!  I knew what was coming as soon as I read the word Taser.  Are you now an honorary member of the Darwin Club?
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Jerrymac
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2008, 10:24:58 PM »

You never tangled with electricity before have you? When you said,

"I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it."

I was thinking, "NO you idiot. You can't stop at one second."  shocked

Sorry about the idiot thing.
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kathyp
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2008, 07:02:29 PM »

that is to funny.  i'll stick to the gun.  it is unlikely that i'll feel compelled to test it on myself!
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.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville
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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2008, 07:19:24 PM »

that is to funny.  i'll stick to the gun.  it is unlikely that i'll feel compelled to test it on myself!
thus, a gun is more "handler-friendly" grin
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poka-bee
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2008, 07:33:51 PM »

Frants, did you give it to her?  You know, when she sees it she will know where the burnt spots on the microwave came from...better find your body parts quick before someone gets the vacuum out!! evil That was such a "guy" thing to do!
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johnnybigfish
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« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2008, 10:37:42 PM »

hey Frantz!

Do it AGAIN!!
 But have your wife camcord it!
 I think that will be the best gift for her!..I KNOW WE all will appreciate it!!
your friend,
john
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Cindi
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« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2008, 09:39:49 AM »

Frantz, holy smokin' mackerels!!!  I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard in my life, again, and again I laugh.  I thought that this was so funny that I copied it into a word document and sent it to my Husband, now I am awaiting him to get back up from his early morning nap and read it, when I see him laughing his guts out, I know that you have made his day too, here I sit, still laughing my guts out.  You are one crazeeee man, why on earth did you do that thing?  Right I know, you wanted to make people laugh, oh man oh man!!!  Have a beautiful day, hope you find all your body parts!!!  Cindi
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kathyp
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2008, 11:50:45 AM »

cindi, that's funny!  my husband read it and emailed it to a friend.  i sent it to my brother.  i think we'll all be getting it back in about a week smiley
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.....The greatest changes occur in their country without their cooperation. They are not even aware of precisely what has taken place. They suspect it; they have heard of the event by chance. More than that, they are unconcerned with the fortunes of their village, the safety of their streets, the fate of their church and its vestry. They think that such things have nothing to do with them, that they belong to a powerful stranger called “the government.” They enjoy these goods as tenants, without a sense of ownership, and never give a thought to how they might be improved.....

 Alexis de Tocqueville
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« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2008, 02:23:50 PM »

 THAT was priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!! RFLMAO!  And such a "guy" thing to do!  I bet your wife wanted an instant replay as she didn't get to see the demonstration....
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Frantz
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2008, 09:23:29 PM »

Guys, Guys, Guys, That was not me that did that. It was just a funny story that I added "we should all have guns". Thanks for all of you believing that I would be that stupid. Geeeesshh. I may live in UT and all but give a guy a break. I may be redneck and all but, I would never taser myself. Pick up a hot pan in the kitchen (multiple times) sure, shoot myself with a nail gun, sure, but a taser..... No &^%#^k'n way.
I am glad that you all liked it though. It seriously brought tears to my eyes as well.
I am pretty sure this it was my brother in law that did this and my sister in law sent it to us saying "look what our stupid friend did"
Yeah right!!!
Frantz
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Jerrymac
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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2008, 10:04:42 PM »

Yeah right. Too late now. We know you're the one.  grin
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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2008, 10:09:06 PM »

Hmmmm,...Sooooooo,...
Does this mean you're not going to do it again? Smiley

your friend,
john
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Cindi
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« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2008, 12:40:09 AM »

Frantz, OK you've done it!!!  YOu actually believe now that we believe that it wasn't really you, that you are just covering for a really strange thing that you did, hee, hee, I think it really was you, and I want my green snips back!!!  JP had no right to send them to you in that kit!!! (if you got the pink ones they are someone elses that JP snitched)  Mine were green. Have a beautiful and wonderfulest day, Cindi
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There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold.  The Arctic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold.  The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see, what the night on the marge of Lake Lebarge, I cremated Sam McGee.  Robert Service
JP
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« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2008, 01:58:53 AM »

Frantz, if you didn't do it, you know that you want to, you know it!!! That was funny man!

...JP
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« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2008, 12:32:21 PM »

I think we should rename Frantz "Sparky"!

your friend,
john
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poka-bee
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« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2008, 03:06:49 PM »

That's  a good one John! grin
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JP
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« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2008, 04:47:41 PM »

That's  a good one John! grin

Bahahahahaahahahahahahaha! Sparky!!! or Buzz!

...JP
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2008, 03:21:48 AM »

    Frantz!  Oh My GOSH!!!  It's 0220 and I was getting ready to go to bed, but I'm not tired now and thanks for the cleansing histerical laugh you gave me.  Aloe vera and I've used shae butter (the real stuff) to heal electrical burns, both entrance and exit points. Wink
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Everyone said it couldn't be done. But he with a chuckle replied, "I won't be one to say it is so, until I give it a try."  So he buckled right in with a trace of a grin.  If he had a worry he hid it and he started to sing as he tackled that thing that couldn't be done, and he did it.  (unknown)
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