Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
On the journey of life, I chose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
What would Scooby do?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's
still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering
for my rock hard abs.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Visualize Whirled Peas
Stop the Violins
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Donâ€™t eat yellow snow and donâ€™t drink yellow (cheap) beer.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people
were burned at the stake.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
I'm out of Estrogen and I've got a gun!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bleep like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my darn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read
this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going
into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the
risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest
evils â€” people who shouldn't drink with people who
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So your kid's no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who
understand binary, and those who don't.
Donâ€™t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from
happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat â€” it's easier than working!
Vote Republican â€” it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
What Would Jesus Bomb?
And the Lord said unto the shepherds: "Go away! This is cattle country!"
If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a few loan repayments.