For those that don't know about history...Here is a condensed version...
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most
prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc,with passion fruit and kiwi aromas
which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the midpalate by peach
flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the
finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef. Sushi,
tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat red
meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally
anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for